Today, I wanted to sleep a little more, and then I could not.
But this time, it was not that I could not sleep more; it was that I did not want to.
Incredible self-destruction took place during the last 4 weeks of my life. I call it self-destruction because multiple things that went wrong in different areas of my life happened because of me, and quite a few only happened inside my mind (I created negative thoughts and conclusions, which, of course, were inaccurate). A few days ago, I really felt sick and tired about my behaviors and pattern of reactions. I felt hopeless, unfixable, unlovable, unrequited. As a little abyss that had no beginning or end.
But this time, I did not stay in my room crying alone. I went out, accepting my pain and my imperfect self, and realized that I am not alone. As much as I tend to dramatize my life (I always feel as if I was living inside a film), I have realized that this journey does not need to be so hard or epic. I do not need to be so strong, flawless, put together.
My friends were there, not only in Mexico and Australia but around the world. How beautiful it is to see that in so many latitudes, people can connect with you. People remember you. People are kind.
My family listened to me, gave me advice, and made me feel that I still belong among them, regardless of how alienated I sometimes feel. Home never leaves us; we carry it with us. Home is within each of us.
My professors, colleagues, and even the management of my accommodation made me feel taken care of. I am not alone, and now I understand that I am privileged to live, study, and work at The University of Melbourne.
So, I have been trying to practice something I have been putting aside, something I have not done enough: Be grateful.
I have been learning new things, and I believe this year will really open a lot of doors for me if I am brave, disciplined, and enthusiastic enough to keep on this path. It is a daily journey, a daily effort, a daily bliss.
I have also realized that my time in this country might be temporary; life might take me somewhere else upon completion of my degree. This thought was scary and unbearable, but it was also necessary.
Everything is temporary. Always. I learned this in Vipassana, and somehow, I keep forgetting to truly interiorize this undeniable truth. Realizing that everything can change at any time makes us realize how precious the present moment is.
So, whenever I feel despair (yes, I still feel it at times; it's not a magic formula), I go out and walk around, trying to remain grounded in this moment where I exist in this country. I see the trees, I see the sky, I see the architecture, I see people (from so many different countries!), and I see myself: my feet, my hands, my hair... I am still alive.
I do not know exactly why, but I wanted to write about these feelings and thoughts today. I am not sure if they will help anyone, still, I just want to say: If you ever feel that all is truly messed up and that you have disappointed everyone, this is not the end. Do not give up, this is just a small fraction of your existence. We all go through struggle; we all go through failure. Do not close yourself up; you are not alone. We all have someone who will remind us that we matter and that we are not our mistakes; that does not define us. What defines us is how we learn from them, how we become a better version of ourselves.
And just as with any screenplay, I think this is the beginning of my third act. I feel this growing in me, and I want to stay in this moment of hope and inspiration as long as I can. And this thought has made me wake up early every morning for the past few days. If life can be so mesmerizing why would one want to sleep longer?
I want to thank all the people who have embraced me every time I am in the middle of a storm. I would not be here without you.
Thank you,
Laura
