Lost and Found (AEN)

I thought I had found you, but I was wrong. 

Sometimes I feel that I will never meet your sight. 

Today, as I was crying, I could feel my broken back moaning with me. I'm hunching again, it's getting harder to stand straight every minute. 

He appeared to be you, he did. It does not feel like that anymore. 

Sola, Tú debes estar bien sola. I repeated to myself as I cried aiming to get fixed by the words of Chris Martin, which are playing as I type. 

Me sientro atrapada en esta dimensión hispanohablante. Me siento perdida en la búsqueda de ti. 

Perhaps I have seen glimpses of you all these years... and I am grateful for those brief moments when we were blessed with the glorious hope of love. 

Sinceramente, una parte de mí verdadermane ha aceptado que el costo de todo serás tú, mi amor. 

And the worlds he said about me not being whom he would marry, whom he would follow, whom he would cherish echo in my mind, as bombs destroying our shelter, as oceans drowning our island, as earthquakes demolishing our mountain peak. 

Como la escoliosis que destroza mi columna vertebral y mis ganas de levantarme. 

And I see our future fading, our children disappearing, our memories being erased. The vivid dream that never came and never will come true. 

No soy suficiente y no soy lo que quieres. 

Perhaps it is time to stop believing in love... romantic love... couple's love... consummated love. 

Y la gente cree que soy exceptional porque he pisado 45 culturas pero el precio que pagué fue muy alto. Y la factura sigue sin saldarse. 

Today I grief for another man that believed that I was the one but turned around at the sight of trouble. He called me a problem, he called me a drama. 

Y cada palabra me rebana las vértebras y me perfora el tórax. Un eterno deya vú.

Where are you? Do you exist? 

I think that I have lost you, my love. Wherever you are, forgive me for not finding you when I should have. I will pray for you to be happy and cherish what I dreamed of us. 

Y soñaré todos los días contigo, te veré en mis sueños, lo único que nos queda. 

And I promise you that I will honor the love that we never had with all my work, with all my letters, with all my soul. I will give the love of our children to my students, to my community. I will imprint my passion into my stories, where I will undress you and hold you forever...

Y te prometo que no me voy a rendir, aunque sienta que me asfixio en este momento en el que acepto que te desvaneciste mientras yo recorrí el mundo. 

No regrets. 

No complaints. 

Goodbye, my love. 

Adios.  

We are our own heroes...

Today, This month, This year

It's been a while since I write here. And I miss it. It has been a hard year, a weird year, a crashing year. But I am still here, with a bunch of work in front of me yet somehow excited about how I am going to finish it on time. 

Uncertainty. Procrastination. Heroism. Or maybe Failure, who knows! But I have hope. 

And I don't know. I just wanted to talk with you, whoever is reading this. 

I guess the thing that I did the most during this pandemic season was to think about the purpose of life, about how to keep hope, about which people we want close to us in the darkest hours. And, despite it really scares the shit out of me, I realized that the person that I have to keep closer is me. It is really annoying and mesmerizing to accept for real that the only soul that will never leave you is your own. I think I shed many tears when thinking about how much I did not think about my well-being in a responsible fashion. Things such as eating healthy or exercising, or getting away from people who would just bring me misery. The most difficult thing perhaps is to let go our faults, move on, and open up again. Has something similar ever happened to you as well?

Regardless, I still feel that change is hard but also it is exciting. It just takes one moment to change everything. A moment that needs a series of other moments to flourish. It is a process, it is a fight. "You got to fight the fight, kid!" And I have had such a wonderful life, despite all the moments of pain and disappointment, of my failures and mistakes. We have to embrace our path, our obstacles, our challenges, our embarrassment, without them there is no growth, change, evolution. Becoming our own hero is the most difficult thing that we will ever accomplish because it is a process that requires a lifetime, because we can always be better, and because we are the toughest judges of all. 

This is our movie, there is no turning back. 

I still feel that my mission will require sacrifices and resilience, but I know that it will be worth it. Our breath is a reminder of the miracle of being alive. And I am grateful for having survived this pandemic up to today. It sounds crazy, but I do want to change the world. I'm looking for people who believe in humankind, in love, in possibilities. And I know I do know a bunch of great human beings! Becoming heroes together makes things more powerful. 

Would you like to change the world with me?

You know how to find me. 

Talk with you soon.

With love,

Lau