Flowing energy

Sometimes I feel that you are here. As clear as the air I breath. As pure as the last neurons that my brain created, before I became too old to make more. I feel that you are here, inside my mind, dancing with my neurons. 

And I like it. 

Sometimes I think that we have been connected since before we ever existed. As scientists claim that energy is not created, only transformed; we had to be something before being us, before that sperm and that egg. So maybe we did meet before, right? Maybe we were neighboring caterpillars, or canopies, or stars…

Anyways, you are here, right now. You make me smile. 

And I close my eyes, I close them to see. 

See you. 

And I like it. 

Do you remember that day we walked all day? I had not slept the night before, but did not feel tired at all. You were there, unveiling the world with me. Holding my hand, kissing my forehead, smiling to my camera. You told me about your past, I shared with you my dreams of an uncertain future. And we disappeared in the dark, in between those deserted streets that looked so different under the silent moon light. It was so easy to be with you. 

And I liked it. 

And you may be thinking that this is all about you, but it's not. 

And I recall that day you bought me an ice-cream, in that little shop that your mom loved to visit whenever she came back from across the ocean. We sat in a bench, next to the lake, watching people pass by, feeling the Dutch sun in our faces… that sun that had hidden for so long! We just talked. You have looked after me up to today, and I do the same. You simply stayed in my life, as I stayed in yours, despite the distance, despite the time… 

And I like it. 

You possibly have not thought about it, but there was this day that we ran through the Indian sand dunes under the moonlight. I still have that cd, that you bought me when that local band stopped playing. And I still wear that pearl necklace you brought me from your business travels. I wear it proudly, remembering that pearls actually mean nothing. You have vanished from my life, despite how hard I tried to keep you. Sometimes the only thing left is to let go. Everything changes, everything evolves. 

And I like it. 

One day you finally got the courage to invite me to the movies, you claimed that this was your favorite one. As one of the greatest and oldest Zemeckis’ films premiered in my eyes, I still remember how much you struggled to finally hold my hand. We shared the best and the worst of ourselves, of our lives. We graduated, took our first jobs, even worked together and created our own company. We stayed together, despite the distance, despite my continuous search for whom I was supposed to be. The search that I should have started within myself, and not in the other side of the world. Now you have a daughter and I have a filled-up passport. Somethings are not meant to be, but we are just fine, we grew apart but also grew up, became adults. 

And I like it. 

I saw you in that bar and told you that you looked like Brad Pitt, possibly because I was not wearing my glasses. You said that precisely my blind eyes caught your attention, and you came back just to find whom I was. We said that we would not fall in love, that it would be just for fun. That was the greatest lie we both told each other. And despite the love we had, as predicted, distance came in between us, so we promised to become the best version of ourselves and meet again someday. Im keeping that promise. 

And I like it. 

You were my best friend for years. We dated for a while, we tried, we failed. I could not love you as you deserved, I was a spoiled girl, a child not prepared for seeing beyond herself. I lost you, and years later I just felt that I should call you again, out of nowhere. Unexpectedly, you were glad to hear from me, you had forgiven me. You got married that year and I met the man that broke my heart, for real this time. “Karma police” you told me laughing and I agreed. You are still my friend, and every time we meet, I feel that things did not really changed between us, you are you and I am me, nothing to hide… 

And I like it. 

I could go on, remembering you, but as I recall this moment or the other, my heart is beating harder and harder. Perhaps these past ten years were actually full of love and I did not notice it. Yes, you broke my heart. Yes, I broke yours. But we loved, we lived, and yes, we have been transformed. Each connection we make takes us closer to where we are meant to be. Perhaps this means that we cannot stay together, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is that we had or have that or this moment. We were one, in those brief or long moments we shared. That is what life is, just moments that we keep in our hearts, that make us who we are. 

And I am grateful. 

I hope you are fine. I hope you are happy. I hope that you are living at your fullest potential. 

Thank you for making me a better person, you will always be a part of me. 

And yes…

I like it.