Nothing about us (AEN)

04.01.2018

I met him.

Again.

After years of not seeing his laughter, I found his expecting set of brown eyes in the middle of the night, in the middle of the crowded city. 

It hit me, like a plane crash. 

He was smooth and elegant, just as I remembered him. He did the same cracking sound with his fingers whenever something was funny enough to make him laugh. I felt proud of myself whenever I accomplished to bring out that intoxicating sound out of his mouth. I love his laughter... 

He still held me in the same way as before, gently, softly. 

Somehow he makes me feel special, but many times I wonder if he is like this with everyone.

We had dinner, talked about our lives and how we had changed or not. And, as a cruel joke from faith, I found myself doing something I thought would be impossible at this point of my life: I reconsidered us. 

US

There is something about it... 

Something about us.

Of course, it was a silly, brutal, and irrational thought. 

It was a matter of few days, after that cozy and passionate night, to understand that some things will never change. For him, I am just a pastime and an old friend. Nothing more. 

There will always be an excuse to avoid any sort of commitment. It will never be the right time, or better said, I will never be the right one. 

And, I am too old for these games. 

However, for a moment, it was nice to feel hope again. Love hope. It made me feel alive, it was a long time since I had corny thoughts and a reason to play a stupid romantic film and watch it as a romantic story and not as science fiction. 

It's been months that I have felt that love stories are science fiction. Something impossible to happen to me. I feel like a little alien in the world of weddings, babies, and couples. But, I must say, that I consider myself a cute alien, a happy alien.

Anyways, going back to that guy...

Whatever we are, that handsome monster and I, I will never understand. The monster that makes me linger for a brief instant of bliss followed by a wreckage, where my heart is torn apart again, where I come to my senses and understand that he will never be nothing more than that.

A monster,

my monster... 

I wish that he knew, how much he means to me. 

Now it is time to send all this nonsense to my subconscious, again. I am old enough to understand when things will not happen, I am not that naive anymore.

Something about us. 

But not enough...

Perhaps it is time to accept that it is actually nothing. 

As I said earlier, it hit me like a plane crash. And what hit me was not to see him, to kiss him, to embrace him; it was to understand that for him it is nothing...

A monster and an alien.
Well... didn't sound as a good match anyways.