May 25, 2018
Have you ever have those moments where a deep pain invades your chest as if a sharp, thick, and cold dagger is being stabbed into your heart? Those moments when it is hard to breathe but extremely easy to leak salty drops of water. When time seems inexistent and each second lingers as an eternal torrential hormonal rain hammering your brain. And there are no raincoats, nor umbrellas, nor shelter...
Have you ever?
I have. I am...
It has been almost a year since clouds have covered my heart. I have been under this freezing rain for what now seems forever, sometimes I don’t even realize that the rain is there, I guess I got used to the shivering cold. Yes, there have been couple of sunny days, even weeks. Moments where you feel that you have overcome the storm and that good things are about to come. Are they?
Weather forecast upgrade: sunny, with chances of thunderstorm... To be honest, my forecast is more like Hong Kong’s climate statistics, never accurate, always unpredictable.
She missed him everyday.
And now she knew that he did not. “I feel nothing,” were his precise words. What could be worse than indifference?
Suddenly she felt as if there was no hope left in her heart. He was not only physically lost, he was a universe distant in heart time. She was stock. Alone. Not even able to type a single more word. The storm had impaired her capacity to articulate her emotions.
How to describe this pain? I marvel everyday at the little silly ways in which you demonstrate me that I mean nothing more than a cold text on your phone screen. I admire your capacity to ignore my emotions. Can you teach me this dark art of blessed disdain? Sometimes I even wonder if you are still able to feel anything apart from the obvious pity that you carelessly manifest with your actions.
All that kindness, all that unimaginable love, passion... now is gone, no trace of it... All that is left are digital pictures, emails, and the glimpses of you, reflected in every tear rolling through my cold cheeks. You said that I truly know you... do I? Who are you?
She took another sip of that fancy tequila which she was saving for a special occasion. Little she new that she would end up sharing it with her old laptop and a couple of traveling mementoes on her desk, staring at her. But don’t get me wrong. She did not get drunk.
I have lost the count of all the things I have done in my search for love immunity. I have tried all referred in literature and worldwide philosophy: went to typical friends’ dinners, started new hobbies, drank countless glasses of wine (even drank a whole bottle once), attended karaoke sessions where I hopelessly cursed the moment I met you, read self-help books which wisely pointed out how condemned our relationship was, wrote letters and endless emails, prayed for forgiveness and resignation, even went out on failed dates.
Looking back at what had been the past months of her life, she felt desolated. Regardless of how hard she had tried to move on, she realized that he was still there, sitting next to her while she typed. That lover who does not love anymore, that sun with no warm light left, that future which has faded permanently.
Every time I find it harder to believe that true love exists. Maybe I already missed it. I fell for the wrong people for the past decade and missed the right one...
She felt trapped inside that little room where she locked herself in order to write. What she didn’t understand is that she was not trapped in that physical space, but in the walls of her own heart.
Did I miss him? I am not sure. But I do know that I miss him, right now, this very second. Where are you? Who are you? I pray that you are fine. Yes, I have started to pray for you, faceless lover. Pray for you to be happy, to fulfill your destiny and ambitions, to eventually find me. Will you? Will we ever be able to find each other?
And with those words she realized that it was time to move on. One cannot be so blind to continue being attached to someone who does not even remember how to spell the four letter word. She has so much to give not only to that mysterious lover, but to the world itself.
There are times when we may feel that everything is lost, that things will never be what they used to be. That all that happiness that you felt was not meant for you, that by mistake God gave you a glimpse of what perfection is. It was not a mistake. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to find love, but to find it you must be ready. Are you?
As humans we read signs wrong, fall, and stare at the pieces of our soul scattered on the ground. Yes, life is tough, but it is up to us to find strength to believe again that miracles exist, that this mistake is just a step closer to that moment which will divide our lives.
Where we will know that there is a before and after.
So I pray for him.
For you.
I pray for us.
Corny or not, she did believe in prodigious revelations. And as if an invisible wisdom lighting stroke her heart, it started to have a pulse again. It was not the same bit it used to have when that lost lover was around her, it was stronger, deeper, certain.
She was not dying of another unrequited love coma, not again, for she was not alone in that little room.
She never was.
